Never Will I Ever
by FanGirlFreak16
Summary: My story? Why do you want to know it? I mean, most of my life was happy. I had a nice father, three amazing brothers, and an awesome pet. But the happiness ended when I turned fourteen. And now I awake every day, wondering if it's going to be my last.
1. Prologue

This story began when I was fourteen

And I learned that life is mean

I never have been one to show my emotions

And I've managed to bury them in the ocean

It all began that fateful day

I woke up, and nothing felt ok

"It will pass," I told myself

I never thought I would lie to myself

I thought it would go away

But it never did as the days passed day by day

I was going mad

But at the same time I was sad

I know what people do

When they feel like I do

"Never will I ever," I lied again

All I needed was a friend

I can't tell my brothers, they wouldn't understand

That when I fell I didn't land

Now my dad is dead

And we lied him down on the bed

"Father, please, come back to us,"

And when he didn't I began to cuss

Now I don't care

Life's just not fair

My brother saved me

Why had he

Can't he see that I wish to be free

Maybe he wants to torture me

But he cried

And I sighed

I hate it when he cries

We all do

He screamed my name

He thought I was insane

Why can't he just let me go

Life pains me so

Four years I've seen this fucked up place

And tears have always stained my face

I always cry in the midst of the night

As I try to win this stupid fight

I don't really care anymore

It's just a lost cause that's poor

I tried to jump off the bridge last night

But Mikey didn't let me without a fight

I'm trying to escape this world now

Protecting my brothers was my vow

They don't need me now

I remember that each time I slide the glass across my skin

Why do I let the demons win

This is about the day I fell

And my name is Hamato Raphael

 **Did you like it, love it, hate it? Let me know. Your opinion matters. :)**


	2. A Painful Reminder

**September, 12th, 2008, 7:36pm:**

"Raphie!" A ten year old Leo yelled at me. I looked around to see the normal wide smile on his face. I smiled back at him. We were the best of friends as Mikey and Donnie were. The two could sit in Donnie's lab, while Donnie worked on a new invention and talk to each other for hours. Leo and I could do the same. Though, us two spar together.

"What is it, Leo?" I asked with a smile as he ran up to me. Our voices were so high pitched then. We had no care in the world. No real desire for what was above us. We were happy with being in hiding. We each had a best friend, and that's all we needed.

Funny how our needs and desires grow stronger as we grow older.

He smiled at me as he panted. He was missing a few teeth, them falling out due to his adult teeth coming in. "I finally learned that new kata I was practicing!" He exclaimed. My smile grew wider. He had been working on that kata for a full month. It frustrated him so that he hadn't gotten it done sooner. I had passed it and so had Donnie. Mikey, at the time, had private lessons. As Sensei had put it when we were younger, his brain saw things backwards, so it was harder for him to learn.

I now know that what Sensei meant that Mikey has dyslexia. It still affects him in reading, but not as much as ninjitsu anymore. When we turned twelve, Mikey began to train with us again. He was still further behind than us, but he got there eventually. "That's great, Leo! I knew you could do it!"

Leo smiled, his lighter blue eyes shining with excitement and inspiration. He tapped me lightly. "Tag, you're it!" He giggled as he took off in the other direction. I smiled behind my red masked as I took off after him, searching for his mask of blue. I could hear his giggles from a mile away and I could barely suppress the laugh that threatened to tear out of my throat.

I ran faster and faster, not once losing the sight of my brother's blue mask tails. I expected this to last forever. Laughing with my brother, playing tag, always being happy.

But that's not so.

Suddenly my foot caught Mikey's blanket that had been lying blithely on the floor. I slipped on the orange piece of cloth and I found myself falling face first onto the concrete. But the most painful part was that my plastron had caught a sharp object. What that is? I still don't know to this day.

I landed on the ground with a thud, which made Leo's pitter pattering feet skid to a hault. "Raphie?" I heard his scared voice ask for me. I pushed myself up on my hands and knees and shook my head. I heard Leo gasp. "R-Raphie. Y-Your plastron."

I looked down at my plastron to see blood spilling from the place I was scratched. Two zig zag lines on my plastron that made a lightning bolt like shape. I pulled at it lightly only to gasp when the piece came out into my hands. Leo knealt by me in an instant. "Raphie. That's not supposed to come out."

"Maybe it'll grow back, like our teeth." I reasoned. I watched as Leo nodded his head from side to side.

"Maybe. Let's go ask father." Leo said as he gently helped me to my feet. I nodded as we both entered the dojo where we saw our father meditating under the tree. Normally Leo and I wouldn't distrub him while he was meditating, but I was bleeding and Leo was a concerned older brother. Leo gently patted our father's knee.

"Father, Raphie's bleeding and part of his plastron fell out." Leo said with a concerned tone. Father's eyes opened, and he looked to my plastron. He gently picked me up and placed me on his lap.

"My son, what did you do?"

"Leo and I were playing tag and I slipped on Mikey's blankey, and my plastron hit something sharp." I explained. I showed him the piece of my plastron that had been cut out and I looked at him hopefully. "Will it grow back, father? Like with our teeth?"

He sighed as he gently took the piece of my plastron into his hand. "I'm afraid not, Raphael. This isn't like your teeth." I looked back at Leo who looked at me sadly, and then I looked back down at the gap between my plastron and my skin. It was in the shape of a lightning bolt. I slightly smiled.

"That's ok. It looks cool! It looks like a lightning bolt!" Leo looked at me like I was crazy.

"Really? You're ok with it?"

"Yeah! It looks cool! And it makes me look tough!"

Now it's just a painful reminder of who I used to be.

 **I hate how short this chapter is! I hope for future chapters to be longer. Did you like it, love it, hate it? Let me know. Your opinion matters. :)**


	3. How Right I Was

**July, 16th, 2011, 9:12pm:**

We were thirteen now. A year before my life turned into a living hell. Father had called us into the dojo at an unusual time. He normally didn't call us back in after 4:00pm. We all knew something was up. We sat in front of him, cross legged, in respect.

"My sons, when you turn fifteen years of age I will be allowing you to go above ground." Our eyes widened. We thought the day would never come. "So I will chose a team leader. I will now be training you to fight as a team instead of seperate. You will have a leader. He needs to be stealthy, caught up on their ninjitsu, and dedicated to the martial arts. He must be diligent, confident, one who makes mistakes and learns from them."

We all waited with anticipation. It was obvious that we all wanted to be leader. Splinter chuckled at us in amusement. Mikey looked at Donnie, then Leo, then me before looking down at his lap. He believed he wouldn't have a chance at being leader. I guess our derogatory remarks don't help none.

"I have chosen Leonardo to lead you all." All of our anticipated faces fell into rejected ones. All except for Leo's. His grin was wide enough to split his face in two.

"Really, father?" He asked in ecstacy. Splinter smiled and nodded. Leo jumped into the air with a fist pumped up. "Yes, alright!" He shouted. I looked at him dejectedly. He must have noticed because he lost his ecstatic stance and bowed before his father. "Thank you, father. I will lead this family in honor just as strong as your own."

I had just realized I had anger issues four years ago. It was hard as shell to control. I stood from my sitting position and bowed to my father, representing my desire to be dismissed. Once he gave me the permission I was seeking I walked out of the room and into my own. I couldn't help but punch my wall. Fighting helped releave my anger, but I wished not to take it out on my brothers.

That was the last thing I wanted to do.

I heard a soft knock at my door. I decided to ignore it. It began to grow louder, and finally I mumbled a come in. I wasn't all that surprised to find that it was Leo who was knocking. He slowly and quietly shut my door. "Hey, what was that about?" He asked gently.

I just hugged my knees to my chest. Leo knew that this was odd behavior and sat next to me on my bed.  
"Raph, what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, Leo."

"Raph, we've been over this. It isn't good to keep your emotions to yourself like this. That's what triggers your anger."

I felt something snap in me. I hated the fact that I couldn't control my anger. Why couldn't I be ten again?  
"Don't talk about it." I snarled. I knew I scared him a bit. I've found that our relationship was growing further and further apart. He's more dedicated to ninjitsu than I am, and now this would make us grow even further apart. He'd be spending more time in the dojo than he already does.

"Raph, it's not healthy to do this."

"I never said it was." I growled. He was slowly becoming this new person that I had never known. Or was I becoming the new person? I didn't feel new, but, then again, I don't think Leo did either.

Leo sighed. "Please? Raphie?" I almost bolted upright. Leo hadn't called me Raphie since we were ten. He stopped calling me my childhood nickname just up and out of the blue, but I never asked about it. It was just a stupid nickname, right?

"You're gonna forget me." I finally grumbled out. He gave me a confused look.

"Raph I don't know-"

"You're gonna be so caught up in training and formulating plans that you're gonna forget about me. Ya already have. We don't spend as much time as we used to together."

He looked at me sadly. "Raph, I'll never forget you. You're my best friend."

"Really? Because it doesn't seem so anymore." I replied coldly. Leo was shocked. I had never really been so cold to him before. I used to let him in.

But times change.

I looked to my pet turtle, Spike, who was sitting on my pillow eating his leaf. He was so young then. An amazing campanion none the less. Spike looked at Leo's eyes. Spike's eyes could have told a thousand stories. I told him everything, and if Leo could learn one thing from Spike it was to look at Spike's eyes.

Leo looked into Spike's glistening eyes. It looked almost as if the two were comunicating with each other.  
"Raph, you are my best friend. I'm sorry it hasn't seemed like it though."

I growled lightly. "Yeah, well, there's nothing you can do about it now. You're going to have to work on being a leader more than any of us now. You're going to forget me. Well, that's fine. I've been alone for a while now. I have Spike. He's the only friend I've had for a while."

Leo's eyes were wide and he stretched a hand out to touch me, but he hesitated. "Raph...I...I don't know what to say."

I sighed. "I don't think there is anything that you can say."

Leo sighed. "Raph, I promise, I won't forget you. You are my best friend, and you always will be."

I sighed and looked Leo in the eyes. "Promise?"

Leo smiled. "I promise."

Promises shatter and break. I didn't expect him to keep it.

How right I was.

 **So short! I promise chapters will be longer in the future! Did you like it, love it, hate it? Let me know. Your opinion matters. :)**


	4. Can I Dare To Call Him My Brother

**Decemeber 14th, 2012**

This was it. This was the day my life turned into hell.

And it all started with a single argument.  
We had been training, trying to grow as a team instead as one. We were all to go against Splinter. As a team.

But what's a team without a leader?

"Alright, Mikey and Raph sneak up on Sensei from behind. Donnie and I will do an arial stealth attack."  
We all nodded in agreement as we began the attack. Mikey and I hid in the shadows, awaiting Leo's signal to go.

Leo and Donnie sat in the tree across from where Mikey and I hid in the shadows. It wasn't long before Leo gave the signal for Mikey and I to attack. But as we were going to attack, I hadn't seen the weapon rack to the front of me, and I tripped against the wheel of it.

I knocked over the weapon rack, with me falling under the wrack and a few of the weapons knicking my skin. Instead of Splinter attacking us like he normally would when we let our guards down, he noticed that I was underneath the weapons. He quickly came over and helped Mikey get me out from the heavy weaponry.

"Raphael, my son, are you alright?" He asked as he and Mikey moved the heavy weapons off of me. I knew my wrist was broken, and I had some deep cuts on my face.

"I think my wrist is broken." I admitted.

Once all of the weapons were off of me, Splinter took my wrist in his hand, studying it closely and pressing in certain areas. I winced and even yelped a bit in pain as he pressed against my tender wrist.  
"I'm afraid your wrist is broken, my son. You need to be more careful as to where you are going. Have Donatello wrap your wrist up, and go to your room to rest up."

"Hai, Sensei." I said obediently. I hadn't retaliated.

Because I hadn't changed yet.

I stood up, and Donnie began to lead me to his lab, but Leo stopped us short.

"You ruined my plan, Raph."

I was a bit shocked. He was really blaming me for our faults? Well, I mean, I guess I did screw up the plan, but I felt the need to defend myself. "What did I do, Leo?"

"You were careless to look where you were going. You should have been watching. Then we wouldn't have been caught." Leo sneered.

"It was a mistake, Leo. Let it go."

"If it were a real mission the enemies wouldn't have asked if you were alright. They would kill you on the spot. If one of us goes down we all go down." Leo shot at me.

My eyes narrowed. "So, if I'm reading this correctly, this was all my fault?"

"Yep, you're reading it correctly."

I began to growl. "And who left the weapon wrack out after he was finished training? Huh? Who did that?"

"You should have seen it!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Leo, I'm not perfect like you!"

"I never said I was perfect!"

"Well, you sure act like you are!"

Leo stomped his foot, "Oo, Raph! You're on thin ice, pal!"

"What're you gonna do? Tell Splinter? Oo, I'm shaking in fear! You've really got me trembling!"

Leo was angry. I could tell. His ocean blue eyes had never appeared to look more red. "We don't need you, Raph! We could easily fight without you! You have no contribution to this team!"

That struck a nerve. I had never felt more angry and hurt in my entire life. "Then why don't I leave? Why don't I go die? That way you don't have to put up with me! Is that what you want, Leo? Is that what you want? Do you want me to just go into my room and kill myself? Huh, huh? Is that what you want?" I yelled in Leo's face.

Leo had been shocked. I saw it on his face. That was our first huge fight. Our friendship. Our brotherhood. I knew it was going down the drain. With that said, I stomped off to my room.

"R-Raph, what about your-"

"Don't worry about it, Donnie. If I'm such a waste of space you should probably keep your medical supplies for someone who matters." I shot back. His mouth shut. It opened again, but it shut almost immediately after it opened. It reminded me of a fish out of water. The old me would have laughed at that remark, but something had seemed to snap in me.

I stomped to my room, opened my door violently, and slamming it shut behind me. I sat on my bed heavily. I felt different. I didn't feel like my normal self anymore. I felt a bit more...depressed, angry. I just didn't feel normal anymore.

I didn't understand. Why was I feeling this now? Leo and I had quarrels, but we never had fights that intense. We had been the best of friends. But now...I didn't even know what we were. We weren't friends. Not anymore. Not after that. Could I even dare to call him my brother anymore? He told me that I wasn't needed.

Shell, could I even call myself a Hamato anymore?

I heard a gently knock at my door. I hadn't muttered a come in. They knocked again. Again I didn't answer, but this time they came in anyway.

Leonardo.

I narrowed my eyes. What could he possibly want now?

"Raph, are you ok?"

I scoffed. Wow. That was a new feeling. "Why would I be, and why wouldn't I be?"

Leo looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, with all that talk about killing yourself, I...I just wanted to see if you were ok."

"I thought you wanted to see me dead." I nailed.

His mouth dropped. "No, Raph, you've got it all wrong. I-"

"I know how I took it, and I know that I took it correctly, even if you say I'm wrong. You said it yourself, Fearless," And in comes a new nickname, "you guys don't need me nor want me. I'm useless to this family. You said it yourself."

"But, Raph-"

"Gosh, Leo, can't you take a hint? Get out!" I yelled at Leo as I shooed him out of my room. He caught a glimpse of my bruised hand and winced.

"But Raph, your hand-" I slammed the door in his face. I didn't care what he had to say. I didn't care what anyone had to say. I wasn't going to listen to them.

Another knock. Again I didn't answer. But this time the person straight came in. I looked up.

"M-Master Splinter." I stammered.

He looked at me sympathetically. "Raphael, are you alright, my son? I heard you and your brother's fight.  
The others are worried about you."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, well they shouldn't be."

Splinter looked at me as if I was crazy. "Raphael, you do not seem like yourself."

"So what if I'm not like my normal self? Why do you care?"

Splinter looked at me sadly. "Raphael, if there is something wrong with you you know that you can tell me anything, right?"

I sighed. "Yes, I know, Sensei, but nothing is wrong with me."

Splinter sighed. He knew I wasn't ok. But he wasn't going to force it out of me. "Alright. But if anything is ever wrong, let me know."

I nodded and Splinter left my room. I lied back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. Maybe I wasn't meant for this family. Maybe they would be better off without me. I closed my eyes.

Maybe I should kill myself.

 **Did you like it, love it, hate it? Let me know. Your opinion matters. :)**


	5. The Demons Attack

I make mistakes

I have my faults

Try to keep it to myself

Locked away in a vault

I want to do things

I want to do it all

I want to black out

I want to fall

Could I, though

Just for a day

Or maybe longer

Oh, who could say

I try to be nice

I try to be quick

But in the end

I know I'm sick

Knocks in my head

I open the door

The demons attack

Now I'm on the floor

I don't fight back

I don't get up

"I'm done," I say

"I give up"  
Away they take me

Away I go

My only regret

No one will know

"Die," They tell me

"Die in Hell"  
I smile slightly

I didn't tell

 **Did you like it, love it, hate it? Let me know. Your opinion matters. :)**


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